guest blog: jill. who writes her own titles. this one is "Jesus and Pirates and Coyotes, OH MY!"

are you familiar with the golden girls? and how sophia started every sicily story?  well if you aren’t, go look it up.  because here we go.

picture it: bozeman. 2009.  two beautiful girls killing time on a hot summer day in a borrowed condo napping and reading blogs (hey. i said they were beautiful, i never said they were cool.). one of those girls was me. the other was ash.  but this story isn’t really about us. and my sophia thing didn’t really end up working. crap. i was trying to be as funny as i know today’s guest blogger will be.  ANYWAY.

Ash says to me: do you read the pilgrim congress?
Me: FTW? (and by that i mean eff the what?)
Ash: the pilgrim congress.  i don’t know why it’s called that. she lost a bet or something.
Me: uh.
Ash: that’s a no.
Me: hmm. is it… funny?
Ash: would i read it if it wasn’t?
Me: well, you read MY blog.
Ash: hmm. true.  well. the pilgrim congress is hysterical.
Me: send me the link.

and she did. and i peed a little. if you are not familiar with jill’s… uhm… illustrated? posts? get familiar. is. so. funny.

jill, i am so freakin’ excited that you agreed to do this. and someday, when i am on the east coast again, we will drink wine and be bffs. it will be delicious.

Alternate title: Hey, Guess What Kid At The Supermarket, I Don’t Give A Shit About Your Soccer Team

Hi, my name is Jill Pilgrim and I’m hear to teach you about Jesus.  Or pirates.  Or coyotes.  Or supermarkets.  You choose.

Supermarkets it is!  Excellent choice, though I think Jesus might be a little offended.  Heathens.

Fact 1: The grocery store is the tenth circle of hell.  See below for photographic evidence I uncovered.

Fact 2: The supermarket is really dirty.  Like those carts?  They have traces of poop all over them.  And mothers bring their kids to the grocery store, where said kids proceed to cough and sneeze all over the food.  Food you will put in your mouth.

Fact 3: Some jackass convinced people that the supermarket is the daylight version of a pickup bar.  I blame Cosmo.  And Mystery.  The end result is a lovely combination of awkward conversation with random guys who want to know I need assistance buying fruit, and women trying to look sexy while ordering a pound of roast beef at the deli counter.

Fact 4: Without fail there is a Girl Scout troop/baseball team/youth church group trying to guilt me into giving them money.  Listen adorable little boy, I am a mean old hag and I don’t want to help send you and your soccer team to the regional finals in Rhode Island.  Why don’t your parents just drive you?  Why do you need my money?  Please stop looking at me like that.  Gah, here’s a dollar!

Fact 5: Jesus hates supermarkets.  He told me last time we chatted (through coded messages in the Sunday paper).

The end.